Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Creative Interlude II

How about those lies?

Shrugging of shoulders, followed quickly by loss of eye contact,
Your stomach flips, heart rate skips, jerky motions, this is it…
The self satisfying ooze of despair and misconception, opened ended deception,
A tide of complete confusion, overbearing the truth at every imaginable resurrection.

Detached view of the conversation, the truth, a misrepresentation, working in unison,
Clouding your intentions, clouding my intentions, a haze of objection,
The mind finally accepting the delusion, the objective conclusion, the truth is told, validation…
Calmness was our intention, a truth and a lie, no longer polarised, just ever so slightly revised.

Cubes 2005©

Woods, trees... and algebra.

Don't tell me the truth - i deserve a lie!
It’s all a delightful play on words and thoughts. I must love this shit. Makes me feel important? Intelligent? Sure it does, its my domain, my chosen field of play. To confuse even further the bare principles of life. I feel insanely jealous of those who need not go through this. My need and want to look inwards is almost self destructive to the end that I can count every time that I do.. a small piece of me dies.. a very thin sliver of my own person ‘self’ gets obliterated.
So my confusing journey is in fact a journey to mass destruction? Leads to more confusion? You know what.. I kinda feel like my self sacrifice is not going to go unnoticed. Once I have satisfied myself with my insane research to broaden my knowledge and look inwards.. maybe I have taken the burden off of someone else doing it. We are not individuals after all.. just another brick in the wall, another lamb to the slaughter, another dumb mind – brainwashed, another voice in the darkness… another lonely soul, waiting for a saviour. Hell, if there is no such thing as the self, what exactly am I destroying? The circle is infinite.. Complex, but the simplest form known to mankind. Regularity is in fact irregular. Its seem s that we can apply this logic to a wide variety of subjects. Without regularity we cannot not assess the irregularities of life. Without pain.. how can we enjoy the pleasures of life? This flip side of reality is polarization.

How are we to define something as existing, unless we can imagine what life would be like if this ‘thing’ didn’t exist? What is love without hate? What is poverty without the very rich? Indeed, what is the truth, if we cannot create a lie? Our quest (my quest) for the truth is the inexplicably hard, may even be impossible. How about a quest for the lies… the wool being pulled over our eyes. I feel that a trip into how and why we can live a lie is a way to tackling the ultimate truth. One is the opposite side of the same coin. If I hold the coin in my hand facing one direction… surely I can understand that coin is still the same one object, or tool. It doesn’t matter what face I look at.. It’s the same question, the same answer. Its right in front of me, but which side I look at is my choice. Our choice. We can only see what we want or need to see. We have limitless capacity to think and revel in our ability to lie to ourselves and others. We understand.. Yet find no understanding in why we do this. The illusion of choice and freewill. Its hard to accept that our choices seem to be contaminated by our past and possibly even by our self manufactured future, Its hard to accept that no matter what we do, who we turn to, what decisions we make.. they cannot be wholly our own thoughts or prejudices. If we always look at ourselves as individuals and find that we all appear to be ideally the same.. that’s got to be again, 2 sides of the same coin – our identity.

Yes, I understand that we will appear to carve out our own personal style and arrive at conclusions at different times, etc etc. When you look at yourself.. do you see decisions that you have made? Do you see your own identity as a ‘thing’? To be truthful about this, if you believe that your identity is kind of linked to some altered sense of reality and a ‘soul’ like being.. then you have arrived at what I call a ‘comfort zone’. You do not have all the answers, you can lie to yourself about the existence of supernatural ‘special’ forces which has created your ‘soul’ and it all seems perfect. The truth is not this easy. It is not a point that you can arrive at and feel good, job done – go home.

Now lets look at the more common attitude to personal identity. Your thoughts are impulses and chemical reactions in your brain. The faster ones are the ones which you have become accustomed to using. If you have trouble showing feelings.. then those particular impulses are harder to fire up. If you are one of those lucky types who has good fortune, the impulses which draw you instinctively to situations in which your experience has achieved a certain level of comfort and success in the past will fire up every time you arrive at a new situation – well-done you! Now lets look at the last explanation. These are merely chemical reactions. Your brain is a product of a fertilization process set about by your mother and father. These are the building blocks of your existence. Now throw in life experiences/teachings and wham you have a mind willing to accept what is comfortable, real and also its capacity to accept what seems to be more like faith and surreal. You invent this identity, at no point can you attribute what you know and how you act directly to your own personal identity. EVEN IF THIS IS DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT TO DO…it is just a type of expression. You are trying to say to the world that you exist as a person. So we can arrive at a conclusion that yes, maybe we are all pretty much the same. Some can see the wood for the trees, some can love with passion, some can do algebra in their sleep. It is all a matter of how we were taught to approach life and what it throws at us...

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Its an E4 thang

Yesss.. thats right Big Brother 6 has landed. ZzzZZzzZZzz.
Its people watching isn't it? We love it. You can sit for hours.. just watching 12 (14) people trying get along, forming friendships and harbouring resentment for each other. The last series.. i found myself generating opinons of the housemates.. wholy based upon what the cameras choose to show us! These cameras were telling a story, a story of villians and heros, of a princess and a crazed chav lunatic. Its just TV.. the experience was contaminated by a desire to increase viewing figures. My prediction is the same will happen this year. I will be screaming at strangers, laughing at their mistakes, cheering their feeble attempts to currie favour with the general populace with the help of many 'other' media forms.. its just TV.

Peace out Blog Blaggers.

I want to understand, I sometimes feel that I will do anything to understand people, my life, my desires, my contentment, others contentment. I want to share my revelations, my cynical aspirations; I want others to feel the confusion and fear of not knowing anything! Its feels like a constant pain to me. Am i to dull this portion of my psyche and simply ‘get on’ with life? Everyone else around me does.. Can it be that hard? Have I chosen the easy route? I THINK NOT! Wait a second.. my route is by far the hardest, harder than falling asleep at the controls of my life. If we all felt the same as me, surely everyone would talk about this until our fears became a distant memory and we all would treat each other with respect – without prejudice!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Closet monsters...

Just enough time to quickly get back to a major gripe of mine.. leading nicely into a fun packed weekend (pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!).

"Are you gay?"
"What me?.. Nah, just a bit happy."
"No no no.. i meana are you gay? My mate over there fancies you."
This was my first night out in Brissol. Of course I quickly checked my attire for relative levels of pinkness... nope clean.. then of the surrounding occupants. No.. just a few drunk students and a few cool ones. Not a gay party.
"Err, no. I am straight - but thanks!"
WHAT? But thanks? Hehehe.. laugh it off.. continue dancing.. actually.. i'll move first - then dance. Shit.. i'm getting a drink in.

Christmas party 2004:
"Hey Gary! Don't speak much since we are opposite ends of the office, do we?"
"HA! Yeah thats cool.. these parties gives us all time to catch up and introduce each other."
"Yeah! Yeah. Are you gay?"
"Excuse me?" I just misheard heard him.
"Everyone down the other end.. think you are gay - are you?"
"No... whats going on? Was I playing Kylie Minogue too loud again? Hahaha!"
Keep smiling.
"Oooo right! Sorry about that.. you know the hair, the clothes.. tight trousers! Hahaha!"
What the? Tight trousers? I'm wearing jeans you moron! Oh and they are fitted... FIT-TED!
"Thats ok... I have a girl friend." Well, we just split - point made. "You are not my type.. hahaha!"
"Cool, nice chatting to you Gary! Wanna pint? Glass of wine?"
"Cheers! A pint bitter please!"

Hengrove skate park... March:
*wolf whistle*
Eh? Keep my balance just... take a quick look around, i must have missed a hunny in the park!
*wolf whistle*
Oh, its the chav girlies on the opposite side of the park. Ignore mode.
One approaches. "Hey mister, you got high cheek bones haven't you?"
Wow.. of all the things a chav girlie could say! Quite impressed!
"And a f**king gorgeous arse too. Hahahaha!" Yeah.. that balanced itself out nicely. I smile and continue to skate. 5 minutes later.
"Hey mate! Hay mate! didn't you hear my mate chat you up? ARE YOU GAY?!"
Christ... i'm taking up polo. "Shes beautiful! I'm taken - thats all!"
Ollie to fast plant to acid drop - roll away stoked.

Peace out readers......

Creative Interlude I

Unisex library

We are the ones, who live to be shelved to be stacked,
Organised, pigeon holed, counted and racked.
Our covers are the skin which hint at our contents,
Gaudy, eye-catching, nondescript or revealing our portents.

You can pick and choose us. One, two, three at a time,
We all have contents to realise, bordering on the sublime,
Feeding your curiosity, a spartan gaze is all you need,
The first few pages armoured with doubt, ego and greed.

Your choice is made; we remain closed, waiting to be read,
You prefer to learn our contents page by page instead.
When, eventually you open us you are surprised, what is this prank?
Feverishly poring over each leaf. Page after page after page; blank.

Our contents are to be written, and rewritten with the help of you,
And finally together we can learn, we can experience, we can live; we can love you.

Cuuuuubah! 2005©

Divine Madness.

Hey Bloggers.. its an update. After a disasterous past few days, i was hoping that the 'everything comes in threes' philosophy was just one of them throw away comments. Not tempting fate, but so far so good •tentively checking his watch•, damn.. forgot my watch. May be that was the third? Don't think that even I am that lucky do you?

Golf; I have bad rounds of golf, I mean the sort of rounds that generally culminates in you burying your head in the nearest sand bunker like an ostrich... only to finally leave the course once darkness has fallen. That almost was me yesterday, hehehe.. but the thought of sacrificing a few more cells of grey matter to the God of Drunkards was too enticing, so filling my mouth full of sand can wait .... this week.

So where are we? Oh yeah.. working and hoping that this weekend represents a model for the return of my good luck.. and my grinning face.. and hope... and WHATEVER!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

•quick intake of breath through teeth• Thats goner cost yah pal!

ARRRrrr Fook! Just got home from the skate park. It was full.. of course! I was spitting and swearing. Got stuck in traffic on the way home too! Yipee! Wait for it.. yes here it comes.. and my cars oil pressure dipped and the engine overheated. There you have it! Happy now?

My life just got soooo much more complicated. I love my car... :-C She was the only reliable lady in my life till then... We go back years, shes got a picture of me in her wallet holder. For Gods sake, we had a future!!

Ok.. i promise not to over dramatise this situation until the grease monkeys have looked at it... but if they confirm my worst fears... its curtains for the ol' gal. No one can replace her......sniff.. hold me please..

Can't we all just get along?

I'm back... after a very long bath and a hard think*.. i have decided that i will go out and see Liverpool play football tonight.. there you go - i said it. I feel dirty now.. i may need another bath.

*think.. Yes I said THINK, you gits.

Oh and i thought about this too.....

Spinning the coin for eternity...
Answers that cannot be found, questions that have no answers, questions that only lead to further questions and finally, the prison we have constructed is visible – incarcerated by our need toknow’. The very thing which promotes freedom for our mind is the cage which holds us firmly in the darkness. If we finally take the plunge and enlightenment becomes a reality to us, we have to change our lifestyle to suit it, this is restrictive. This need to answer and finally put to bed our fears that we hold about our existence, is a journey to feeling comfortable, the internal struggle becomes less important.
Now we have physical impacts on our time. To me.. this is all too easy. I admit I suspect that the resolution of God is a convenient method of stopping the painful time consuming questions that we have every time we look inwards. My conclusion can only be one of admiration for those who can find God. Whatever that may be. They turn the light off – as long as the faith grows and your scruples hold steadfast.. you have no fear left.. it is not an easy life.. don’t get me wrong, but to me the confinement of MY mind to only one perspective would kinda undo everything that I have painfully dissected to date.
Two sides of the same coin...belief and no belief. The coin being God. God is a tool to help life make sense and cast light over our darkness. No belief is not to be pitied, just the same as a pure belief is not to be pitied either! They are one and the same. To have no belief is to disbelieve god. Surely this is as bold a statement as actually believing that a god does exist! In fact.. an important book has been written about it! Therefore it leads us to one important realisation.. We need god… even if its to dispute his existence. Incredibly though, moralistically speaking.. God has a larger influence in our lives than we could ever imagine...


Decided not to skate last night.. instead, i shoe horned several pints down my neck @ Embargos. with Augustus*, my extreme sports buddy, and his work collegue Billy Bob*.

Crazy. So many girls in there! lol. Anyways.. a short notice days holiday and I'm here at home - alone.. with a headache..grrrrrrrrrrrrrr BENT!!

I'm sure more things will come to me today.. interesting things to say.. but for now.. peace and speak soon Blog Blaggers.

*Augustus.. protected - like i really know an Augustus!

*Billy Bob.. in Brrissol? Well ok.. its not his real name anyway. Spack.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Attack of the Alones II

Not Brissol related I'm sorry to say.. but I'm IN Brissol.. so there. Boo hoo.

Just had a number of texts from the latest (3 months) X. screams!• Cleverly she was able to deliver the •I've met someone else now• line, lol (you girls). You know the one... where your stomach turns into a 90 year old mans and suddenly everything around you moves at light speed. I wasn't expecting that.. or was I? Yeah sure I was.. its kinda cool now - she was big on having guy mates and maintaining a distance between them all.. guess i get to be one of those guy mates.. just a shoulder to cry on once in a while. Full circle? Errr not quite. One of her 'mates' is actually her new fella. wwwwwwwwwwwWWWHHHAT? Yeah.. thats really leaves the field in a disasterous position. The substitutes are suddlenly getting warmed up! •Hey, I think the manager is goner pick me next!• Says one of the young hopefulls. Hehehe.. and i can sit back and enjoy the twisted array of tactics employed to keep everyone happy. Joking aside though.. what of the new star player? He has trained hard for the day, always been there, never missed a training session, making use of every opportunity to show his skill. He knows the moves! How will he react when another hopeful steps off from the bench to limber up and prove that he is now ready to join the field of play? That sounds like too much pressure for me to handle.. but thats just me. Do I want to wait until the closing few miniutes of the match and come on to bang 3 goals home? LOL.. nope. My presence will always maintain that the pressure never subsides... that only the best will get to play... and never forget... its a game of 2 halves..

Public health warning:

Its dry Blog Blaggers!! Bit windy.. but that means skate city tonight!! Heheheee.

Note to all readers. I am going to candidly talk about my life and express my desires and fears on this page. If you do not like what you read or feel that a small amount of revenge is necessary to keep my cheeky ass in line.. then drop by and 'smack me up' with a comment. I make no appologies for its content and also the language used. I am only human.. and it is my life and right to make it stupidly complicated and dangerous. HA! On the brightside.. its not like this page is goner be published anywhere important!! Get over it. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental....obviously.

You ain't all that!

I have spoken to many strangers on the internet.. people who i will never get to meet - ever. I have listened and allowed myself to try and see how their point of view, may help me understand the way that they see the world. NOT that this is important.. but if you have something to say.. you must be prepared for others to listen! Are we all so far gone.. that listening is now considered a lost black art? Lol, my GOD.. he listened to ME! How dare he.. he actually questioned what i am saying.. gutted ;-D

Had a great evening though! Chatted to Sabrina*, looks like a cool friendship is building up there.. makes me happy - no tension and no uncomfortable moments. Managed also to have a brief conversation with a very interesting gal from Timbuktoo* too... She has had beliefs in the past quashed by some sort of life experience.. maybe a lost love? I don't really know, but I have a feeling that I will be talking to her again sometime. Looking forward to that.

*Sabrina.. protected. Not her real name.
*Timbuktoo.. i think you are getitng the hang of this now..

If the weather changes and it drys out.. could see me ripping up the local skate park with attitude.. please please be dry!! Shit.. its just started to rain again. :-(

I sense much fear in you
Let us quickly think of those of us who find 'love' earlier on in their lives. Do we regret their lives lost to one? Not to experience others in the way that they experience their perfect partners? Or do we think how lucky they are to experience each other for the rest of their lives? None of us are perfect in anyway shape or form.. but we can find that balance.. that place that speaks to you, filling you with happiness. Giving you hope, answering your questions and expanding your reason. Also, none of us should blindly follow this vision of happiness, letting others dictate our lives. A healthy understanding of what’s around you is the key, opinions count - but not at the cost of a narrow, enlcosed mind.. fearful and unwilling to see what is actually infront of you. Why do we think at all ?

Monday, May 23, 2005

Moody Monday...

Hey blog blaggers. Tis monday once more and only a few short days until we all start planning our weekend again. Doh! Decided to skate into work today - woke up to find my house mate already gone to work.. i only work 2 seats down from him too! Bit of a surprise.. ;-D

Maybe i should tread carefully for the next few days and keep my vastly unpopular thoughts and ideas to myself.. hehehe. Our other house mate hid himself in his room all evening and night... I am thinking practical jokes maybe? Just to get the house comradery going again.

Skating was cool.. a bit tiring (5 miles), but entirely worth it!

Why shouldn't we all be happy?
Well, i guess that is the common right of everyone - to enjoy life and desire the company of those who care for us and make us happy. Lets say we all could unconditionally love one another and spread this happiness to every person that we meet. After a while that love may loose some of its meaning, maybe not seem quite as powerful or important. Surely we can give a little more of yourself to those who really make our life complete? But who? And when we do it.. then how do we make this other person understand how much you really care for them - over and above everyone else.. maybe we could call it super love? Lol.. maybe not.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


Well.. its day one.. first minute and all that.. sitting here on my bed.. towel wrapped round my waist and a cowboy hat on my head.. befitting beginning to quite possibly THE wierdest BLOG session ever... you guys better be up for a small amount of weirdness. Right now tho... i am going down stairs to shoot some enemies on my PS2.. i need violence. After all it is Monday tommorrow!! Yes it is.. oh yes it is! Don't look at me like that.. i don't make up the rules..

This blog is dedicated to all those friends that I have lost contact with and should they stumble upon this site... it stands as a reminder of how less complicated their lives are now... with me not spewing useless crap at them.

Bugger Blogger
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