Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Woods, trees... and algebra.


Don't tell me the truth - i deserve a lie!
It’s all a delightful play on words and thoughts. I must love this shit. Makes me feel important? Intelligent? Sure it does, its my domain, my chosen field of play. To confuse even further the bare principles of life. I feel insanely jealous of those who need not go through this. My need and want to look inwards is almost self destructive to the end that I can count every time that I do.. a small piece of me dies.. a very thin sliver of my own person ‘self’ gets obliterated.
So my confusing journey is in fact a journey to mass destruction? Leads to more confusion? You know what.. I kinda feel like my self sacrifice is not going to go unnoticed. Once I have satisfied myself with my insane research to broaden my knowledge and look inwards.. maybe I have taken the burden off of someone else doing it. We are not individuals after all.. just another brick in the wall, another lamb to the slaughter, another dumb mind – brainwashed, another voice in the darkness… another lonely soul, waiting for a saviour. Hell, if there is no such thing as the self, what exactly am I destroying? The circle is infinite.. Complex, but the simplest form known to mankind. Regularity is in fact irregular. Its seem s that we can apply this logic to a wide variety of subjects. Without regularity we cannot not assess the irregularities of life. Without pain.. how can we enjoy the pleasures of life? This flip side of reality is polarization.

How are we to define something as existing, unless we can imagine what life would be like if this ‘thing’ didn’t exist? What is love without hate? What is poverty without the very rich? Indeed, what is the truth, if we cannot create a lie? Our quest (my quest) for the truth is the inexplicably hard, may even be impossible. How about a quest for the lies… the wool being pulled over our eyes. I feel that a trip into how and why we can live a lie is a way to tackling the ultimate truth. One is the opposite side of the same coin. If I hold the coin in my hand facing one direction… surely I can understand that coin is still the same one object, or tool. It doesn’t matter what face I look at.. It’s the same question, the same answer. Its right in front of me, but which side I look at is my choice. Our choice. We can only see what we want or need to see. We have limitless capacity to think and revel in our ability to lie to ourselves and others. We understand.. Yet find no understanding in why we do this. The illusion of choice and freewill. Its hard to accept that our choices seem to be contaminated by our past and possibly even by our self manufactured future, Its hard to accept that no matter what we do, who we turn to, what decisions we make.. they cannot be wholly our own thoughts or prejudices. If we always look at ourselves as individuals and find that we all appear to be ideally the same.. that’s got to be again, 2 sides of the same coin – our identity.

Yes, I understand that we will appear to carve out our own personal style and arrive at conclusions at different times, etc etc. When you look at yourself.. do you see decisions that you have made? Do you see your own identity as a ‘thing’? To be truthful about this, if you believe that your identity is kind of linked to some altered sense of reality and a ‘soul’ like being.. then you have arrived at what I call a ‘comfort zone’. You do not have all the answers, you can lie to yourself about the existence of supernatural ‘special’ forces which has created your ‘soul’ and it all seems perfect. The truth is not this easy. It is not a point that you can arrive at and feel good, job done – go home.

Now lets look at the more common attitude to personal identity. Your thoughts are impulses and chemical reactions in your brain. The faster ones are the ones which you have become accustomed to using. If you have trouble showing feelings.. then those particular impulses are harder to fire up. If you are one of those lucky types who has good fortune, the impulses which draw you instinctively to situations in which your experience has achieved a certain level of comfort and success in the past will fire up every time you arrive at a new situation – well-done you! Now lets look at the last explanation. These are merely chemical reactions. Your brain is a product of a fertilization process set about by your mother and father. These are the building blocks of your existence. Now throw in life experiences/teachings and wham you have a mind willing to accept what is comfortable, real and also its capacity to accept what seems to be more like faith and surreal. You invent this identity, at no point can you attribute what you know and how you act directly to your own personal identity. EVEN IF THIS IS DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT TO DO…it is just a type of expression. You are trying to say to the world that you exist as a person. So we can arrive at a conclusion that yes, maybe we are all pretty much the same. Some can see the wood for the trees, some can love with passion, some can do algebra in their sleep. It is all a matter of how we were taught to approach life and what it throws at us...

2 comments:

husnukabul said...

A bloggable existantial prayer.

Gary Cuba said...

Amen my brother....

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