Thursday, April 19, 2012

I can't see

... It's not every day that you are met with complete freedom of expression, every thought pouring into your head igniting the crocodile portion of your brain [the preheistoric and blatantly base emotional centre of your personality]. Today has been a real corner turner.

Casually wiping tears of joy from my face as I headed towards a place [any place] where I could off load my thoughts, I settled upon a pub which sits adjacent a roundabout. The significance is that I have some choices to make. The irony of being situated at a junction of 3 busy roads is not lost on me either. I write this blog post with watery eyes.

I describe myself as loyal, hard working, passionate, can be inspired at times, and definitely productively self centred.

Loneliness. That's a horrible feeling isn't it? It creeps up on you, and you are willing to upturn reality just so that you can avoid its painful clutches.

During my childhood I was very lonely. Seeking attention was the only way I could find the interaction that I craved.

Every single child NEEDS attention. To feel important, and loved. They also need guidance....


A few years ago my childhood crutch left this world. One of the most important people to me, winked out of existence. We shared an awful amount of formative experiences. Melded together in a maelstrom of adversity.

I thank the lord that we had some inspired drunken chats and a few explosive encounters to remember.

This person benefitted from being so close to me. I know that. That fills me with both pride and joy. I wasn't enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. But I no longer feel guilt for that. He was fortunate to know me, as I was incredibly blessed to know him.

From time to time I get blind sided by the amount of loss I feel for that cool cat.

I had felt guilt for a long time, long before he left us. Did I try hard enough? Did he not respect me enough? Well I did try extraordinarily hard, I work my balls off to help him. It wasn't enough though.

Like I said its not my fault, I see that now. But it won't stop me from being the best I can for others, myself and my own family - should I be lucky enough to have one.

Would he be looking at me and appreciating the amount of time I spend thinking about him day to day. Yes. I know he loved me, immeasurably. I just wish that the circumstances were slightly different, I just wish that he was spared the war of childhood.

He was a gud'un...







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